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 The
one that got away
Getting
in and out of a relationships are common. But how do you deal with
while you're in one?
----------------------------------------------------------------- By
Angelene Wong
[February 7, 2001]
I
confess.
I
am one of those who once arm-wrangled my ex-boyfriends to answer
the BIG commitment question: How far do you think we will go?
And
it used to bother me when the non-committal response from him was
"We'll see how it goes. If you find someone better, go ahead."
Or
supplied by another less-articulate ex-boyfriend of mine: "If can,
can. If cannot, then cannot lor."
These
words would get me up all night thinking and pondering.
But
I no longer fall into that trap. Ironically, I now brandish the
same flag of non-commitment waved at me in my previous relationships.
Call
me cynical, jaded or a commitment-phobic but I'd like to think I'm
just being plain realistic.
It's
like doing a bungee jump. You'll never know how strong the rope
is until your feet are off the ground. Relationships are like that,
too.
You
may be swooning with love for that someone, but there is always
the nagging voice at the back of your mind: What if he's not the
one? What if there's someone who's more suitable?
This
brings me to my next question. How do you know when to stop trying
at a relationship? At which point do you admit to yourself: "This
is it. We are just not compatible. We can't carry on."
Having
played agony aunt to many friends and having my own fair share of
heartaches and disappointments, I have come to the conclusion that
taking one day at a time and keeping an open mind is the only way
to grow and learn in a relationship.
Breaking
up is hard to do, but sometimes letting go may be the best favour
you give to yourself. Yeah, easier said than done, you grumble.
Notwithstanding
the love you have for that person, the reason that some of us are
staying on in unhappy or less-than-ideal relationships is fear.
Fear of never finding another soulmate after the one that got away.
It's
a feeling best expressed by one of my friends, Zoe, who says: "Most
people feel like they will never fall in love again after someone
leaves."
Ditto
if we are not treated with love and respect. We can't bring ourselves
to walk away.
Streetwise
Jackie is the victim of Phil's cheating ways and abusive nature.
But after countless proclamations of "I've had enough!", the last
I heard is that they are back together again.
Ditto
if we know there are irreconcilable differences; we shove them under
the carpet and carry on. Tiffany just cannot see eye-to-eye with
her boyfriend; they fight, break up, fight and break up…
As
a bystander, I may not understand what my friends are going through
with their boyfriends but I dare say that I see much more than they
ever did.
I
see how miserable they have become.
I
see how their lives revolve so much around making their boyfriends
happy while they themselves feel empty and unfulfilled inside.
More
importantly, I see how much happier they will be without their boyfriends.
Finally,
I'd like to say I'm neither a lesbian, a bra-burning feminist nor
single. Just a girl who wants to be happy.
I
do that by taking a leaf from a friend of mine who says: "Don't
be afraid to move out of unhappiness. The one that got away isn't
necessarily the best."
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