Seven Steps to Making a Better Man

"Men are like dogs. They need to be trained," asserts my best friend, Gwen. While I have no wish to insult my other half by comparing him to a canine, I do agree with her wholeheartedly. Purple Lips talks to 4 women and gets them to share their experiences with us as we bring you this 7-step guide to better your man.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------  By Verity

<eastciti.com, September 8>
Of course, we love our men for who and what they are. But there are always times where we wish that they weren't such brutes. If my experience with the love of my life hasn't been all that 'enriching', it has at least taught me one thing - You don't 'find' that ideal mate. You make your own by training him patiently. Four women share tips about training their man as we bring you a step-by-step guide to 'making' your mate ideal.

Step 1

List your target areas

The very first step to making a better man would, of course, be to list your goals. While some may try to get their man to stop throwing their keys all over the place, others may try to get their beloved to turn more romantic. Be objective when you list out your target areas and understand that there are some areas that are 'untouchable' and will remain so no matter how hard you try. Also, keep in mind to break up your targets into smaller targets. But keep the goals realistic, small and expect to take a long time to accomplish each change.

In the case of Lorraine, a 23-year-old multimedia writer, even though her ultimate aim was to make her man more romantic, she further broke down the target and started specifically working on getting him to send her hand-made cards.

"He was just not romantic at all! I was his first girlfriend and he knew nothing of little cards, little gifts and flowers…I told him specifically that I wanted him to be more romantic, but he told me that he didn't know what to do. So, I broke it up into smaller steps and started by telling how happy he would make me if he were to make me little cards. After 3-and-a-half years of 'training', he has now progressed to buying me flowers to surprise me," she laughs.

Step 2

Tell him what you want positively

Keep in mind that the positive approach works far better than the negative approach. Do not say negative things like "You are such an inconsiderate MCP!" That usually ends in quarrels and fights. Nobody feels good when you slam them with an NG (no good) label. Instead, try and be objective and tell him why you don't like him to behave in a certain way. Reasons like "I am hurt/upset when you do that," work better because (a) they make them aware of how you feel and (b) instead of focusing on his faults, it encourages him to improve himself.

Apparently, Sue's positive talk worked. Not only did her husband wash the dishes, he has unexpectedly developed an interest in cooking. "He now takes pride in being able to make dinner for the family every day," she says.

Step 3

Do unto others what you want others to do   unto you

One good way of getting your man to do what you want him to do is to show him by example so that he gets a feel of why you would want him to behave in a certain way.

Going further into her 'training methods', Lorraine explains, "I started out also with making some small cards for him and getting him little gifts. Then I would ask him if he was happy and if he liked those little cards and gifts and he said it did because it makes him feel loved. Only after that did I go for the 'killer' and tell him that I would feel the same way too if he would only do the same for me." Ah, finally, he gets some enlightenment.

Step 4

Conditioning, reminders and reassurance

Some men are dense (perhaps I should rephrase this sentence and say that MOST men are dense) and so they need constant reminders. If your positive request did not work the first time round. Do not lose heart. You can always try it again. Yes, it is possible that they CAN forget what you have just taught them. It is not that they don't care, they merely forgot.

"Well, there was this time when I carried this really heavy bag but my then very new boyfriend did not offer to carry it for me. So, I turned to him and asked him if he could carry my bag for me because it was really heavy and so he did. I told him I really felt very good when he carried his bag for me. But the next time I meet up with him, he saw my huge and definitely heavy bag and he just walked on nonchalantly," says Genevieve, a 24-year-old teacher.

Not giving up and having lots of patience is the critical key to the successful creation of a better man. And Genevieve is one woman who can attest to that. "I asked him if he could carry my bag again and he did. Then I told him that I really feel very good when he carries his bag for me. And the next time we met, even though I was only carrying a small bag, he took the initiative and asked me if I wanted him to carry my bag. Now, he simply takes my bag and carries it whenever he sees me. I think you just have to condition them to start behaving in a certain way," she says. Assurance is also a very important part in conditioning your man. Assurance keeps him focused and helps him keep in mind that he is on the right track to winning your heart and admiration.

Step 5

Rewards

Think of men as little boys. They need rewards to induce them to make that little effort to do something. "It could be a hug, a kiss, or me cooking a real good dinner for him," divulge Genevieve. Take note, though, that a fair share of rewards should be given out every time he does what you tell him to and I mean every time.

"The minute I stopped those little 'rewards', he stopped doing whatever I asked him to," agrees Lorraine. Consistency is the key here. Do not take for granted that one he picks up a new 'habit', it will stay for life. It will only stay for as long as you can encourage it to stay. In making the difference, you have to work for it, too.

Step 6

Some things that cannot be changed

If all else fails, take it easy. Do acknowledge that there are some things that can NEVER be changed no matter how hard you try. Natasha, 30, who works in a dotcom, agrees. "I tried to train him to put his keys, wallet etc in one place instead of all over the table. At first, I tried asking nicely. Then I bought a wooden bowl, then I bought more bowls, then I yelled. Now i just clean up after him - total failure!" she declares before laughing.

"There are other things I cannot change about my boyfriend too," agrees Lorraine. "No one can come in between him and his love for David Beckam and his team of Red Devils. But I have learnt to accept my 'second place' in his heart behind soccer and I am at peace. When there are Man U matches, I simply go shopping with my other girlfriends who are also abandoned," she giggles. Well, at least she tried.

Step 7

Readjust your expectations/   Learn to appreciate his finer points

Sometimes, even though your bloke may try to change to meet your expectations, he may not hit the target that you set and no matter how you try, he simply refuses to or cannot improve. When this happens, it is probably time for you to readjust your expectations. "You'll feel happier," agrees Sue.

"I once tried to get my husband to mop the floor for me. But no matter how hard I tried, he simply refused to mop the floor for me. But he does try to pack up the litter or sweep the floor, so I guess that is not half as bad. Certainly an improvement!" says Susan.

Having high expectations will only lead to disappointments and this in turn may lead to unhappiness and tension in the relationship. Learn to readjust your expectations accordingly. As they say, a contented woman is a happy woman. Also, learn to appreciate his finer points and overlook whatever minor flaws he may have. After all, nobody's perfect.

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